When Your Son Asks About a Hymen- How to Answer Cringy Questions

We are very serious about open honesty with our children

We get mixed responses from people on our commitment to answering all questions with simple truth.  Sometimes it happens in front of others, and we will ask them to wait until we have some time later to talk about it. Other times we just answer simply and immediately.
Several months ago, Big Sister was showing off a new dress that she had bought with Grandma. Proudly she waltzed out of the bedroom, ready to show it off for everyone’s approval, but immediately everyone in the room looked away. All were aware that something was missing and there was a short silence…
Me: Wow, Sis, that dress is cute. I love the stripes and colors. I think it is going to work fine, as long as you can commit to always wearing a bra or tank top under it.
Big Sis: Really? Why do I need a shirt under it?  I have another dress like this and I don’t wear a shirt?
Other adults:  Crickets…
Me: Well, to be honest, that dress shows me that your body is changing and your breasts are growing. It’s time for us to focus on wearing an extra layer to protect your private parts.
Big Sis: Oh no!!! I’m so sorry!!
Me: Don’t be sorry. Your body is doing exactly what it should be, and you do NOT need to apologize for growing!! It’s awesome!! We just need to be aware of it and make changes. You’ll have lots of changes like this as you get older!  But from now on, I think a bra or a tank top under clothes is a good idea because you’re at the point of needing that now. It’s not a problem, just a change. Congratulations!
Big Sis: Ok.  I like that.
Me: Good.

No big deal. Just a part of our day…

It doesn’t always go exactly so, ummm… Mary Poppins-esque and sometimes we don’t get a spoonful of sugar.

This day was a little different. As I was working on some papers the Brainiac enters..
The Brain:  Mom, I have a question. What is a Hymen?
Me: Blink…breath.
Now typically, the answer would be to go look it up in the dictionary on his own. We do that often but in THIS case, I’d rather take the matter on head first and be sure I cover the bases.
Me, finally: Well, that’s not a word I hear often. Where did you hear it?
Brain: It was in a book.
Me: Really? A book we have?
Brain: Yep.  I’ve never heard that word before.
Me: Well, ok…
I take a pause to decide on wording for my answer, because I fully intend to answer. And I intend to answer fully, because that is what we do around here.
Then I paused, thinking of one more question…
Me: Can you spell the word for me? How you saw it in the book?
The Brain: Oh yes. It was hymn.

H. Y. M. N.

Well smack my head. Wow.

Me: Oh. That word is pronounced like “him”.
Brain: Oh, ok. What does it mean?
Me: A hymn is an old song, sung mostly in churches during service for praise and worship like we do at mass.  Any other words you want to know about?
Brain: Nope. I’m good.

Yeah….. me, too.

While I was completely prepared to discuss female genitalia, I’m glad I have a little more time on that…at least to get a second cup of coffee maybe?
There’s your laugh for the day, and maybe a lesson to answer questions with questions at times, to find out what they are really asking.

TEN TIPS FOR ANSWERING QUESTIONS:
1. Ya gotta Poker Face That Kid
It doesn’t matter what comes out of your mouth, your child will respond to your expression and body language first and foremost.  I don’t care if their question makes you want to throw your pashmina scarf over your head and hide in the closet with a box of chocolate, you must not show it. Responses given now at a younger age will dictate how they can predict you as a “safe place” for questions in the future. Keep it together, Mama. Eat chocolate and sob later.
2. Always start with a response of thanks.
Responding with kindness is going to set a child at ease if they have any reservations about asking you something… It also gives you a minute to think while using that poker face (see item #1).
Examples:
“Hey, I’m glad you asked that.”
“Wow, that’s a great word.”
“You come up with some serious vocabulary words, kid.”
“Gee, I haven’t used the word hymen in a conversation since highschool.” Maybe not that last one…
3. Bystanders Aren’t Your Responsibility
I’m not going to lie to you.  Launching into a discussion about my daughter’s budding body in front of extended family was not exactly comfortable.  Especially since they tend to be more conservative than I am already.  However, my job is to parent my child and I felt that waiting would embarrass her later.  I know my daughter and how she analyses situations. She would wonder what others had been thinking of her dress and be embarrassed.  I am very aware that I made the family uncomfortable. That’s not my problem. (Luckily I have great family, and they were super gracious in this case!) Just as if my child were hungry and needed to nurse, I would not hesitate to feed them, sometimes a discussion needs to happen on the spot.  Your job is to zero in on your child and their needs. Let others take care of their own response.
5. Know Your Child’s Confidence Level
Be aware of the times that answering in public WILL embarrass them and respond according to the situation. Sometimes I will respond with “That’s a great question, but I’d rather talk about it later so I can give you a full answer.”  I’ll even ask them to remind me later saying that I do not want to forget it.
6. Don’t Freak Out If They Want To Know Now
If my child gets upset and wants the answer now, the worst thing that I can do is get upset and angry back. Why would they come to me again if that is the response they can expect to get? Getting on their level with eye contact, I say, “This is just not a good time or place to talk about that. I would rather do it in private. Can you trust me to wait and do this when I can focus on you all the way?”  Never have any of my children said no.

7. DO NOT Ask Where They Heard It First
Whatever you do, do not go straight into asking “Where did you hear that?”  Unless you have completely mastered #1 above and can bat your eyes and smile like June Cleaver on a sunny spring day, the little guy will become defensive.  So would you.  Even if you do ask it with kindness, you have just refused to answer the question and have turned it back on them.  The biggest part of this dance is letting your child feel validated and heard for asking.  Go with a positive statement first. It works.

7. Take Some Time To Know What They Are Really Asking
As I have illustrated above, it can be dangerous to plow ahead without assessing the situation fully.  It happens. Potato, pot-ah-toe… Libya and labia…
Here are some questions to help you “qualify” what junior is asking before you launch into human anatomy.
“That’s not a word I hear often. Can you use it in a sentence for me?”
“I’m not sure I understand what you are asking.  How did you find this word?
“I’ve heard of that before but not often. Can you spell it for me?”
“I want to be sure that I know what you mean. Can you show me what you are talking about?”
You may find that Libya is on a map, not a body…
 8. Look It Up In The Dictionary
Sometimes my brain is mush and I haven’t really got the capacity to put together the sentences required to answer articulately.  We go to the dictionary. Often. We have three different versions of dictionaries in the house. The real ones. Books. You’ve heard of them?  A thesaurus is good to have, too.  We look words up at least once a day from such conversations. Sure it takes time, but I am training my children on how to find their answers. I want them to know that the best place to find answers is with us, their parents. And also in books. This brings me to #9. The next one is huge.
9. Google Is Not A Mom’s Best Friend
It is not. Do not do it. I do not care how much easier it is to type in a word and see the definition quickly appear, complete with a list of google images. You know why? Because in 5 years when the Brainiac is entering the world of teens and a word like hymen comes up, the last place I want that boy to be putting in the random words he is hearing… is Google.  Google is the enemy to healthy parenting. It gives them an out without talking to you. It’s WORSE than them asking their friend about these things because their friends aren’t likely to bombard them with limitless amounts of porn on the spot. Or extreme opinions about anything because the internet is where the freaks come out at night, available to peruse and confuse, 24/7.  Until they are old enough to understand healthy boundaries on the internet, and that means old enough to know the reality of porn and they are ready to face extremists with great convoluted arguments on everything,  keep them coming to you for conversations that end well.
Consider purchasing something like this:
               
Be sure to invest in a good one that is more complete. Have that on hand as well.
             
10. Thank Them And Ask For More 
Let the conversation end well. Even if it is a hard one. Even if I had found myself explaining the hymen to my 8 year old, I would have done everything possible to bring it to a happy confident ending point.  I want my child to walk away relieved and thankful that he asked me instead of someone else.  I want his curiosity to be completely satisfied and I always, always ask “Do you have any more questions about that?” If the answer is no, I remind him that he can let me know as soon as any other thoughts come up and I’ll be happy to discuss it again.  Give them the confidence in you that you deserve. You are the mom.  Be the safe place that they need in this life full of awkward questions.

We get much more pointed questions at times.  I just thought I’d share about the hymen coming up today, and the other came to mind. So there you have it.  Have a great hump day.