Special needs momming is a full-time job, and the business model is super complicated.
I spent Tuesday at the psychologist with Ruckus, working on a round of updated evaluations.
Wednesday I was in Atlanta again, from dawn to dusk for Mozart’s day with his health team. It was planned and well prepared for. The other four children had their needs well met in my absence.
My little Cricket, not processing it so well.
His sensitive heart struggles with anxiety and trust after losing his first family. He isn’t able to regulate all of the emotions and adrenalin, to process his own anger and behaviors as well as most 4-year-olds. He woke today with a deep need for constant connection with me. And by that, I mean absolutely-on-top-of-mom constant.
I spent my morning as a piece of furniture.
Today I set aside my massive to-do list, to let him have his time and to be present for him. That’s a hard thing to do when serious tasks are snowballing, and the weekend is coming with no free time to squeeze the laundry into.
I help him instead.
I hold him instead.
We colored, snuggled, watched Mr. Rogers and Highway to Heaven, both in one day!! His joy was immense, and I loved it!
Still, my own epic Shakespearian battle of “t=To Martha or to Mary? that is the question.” battled in the back of my head.
Years into this surrender and accept your margins thing, I still can’t get the knack of how to be still and know at the actual same time.
Now it’s after his bedtime. I have that mile-long to-do list waiting. I have my arms and legs back to my own control. I am worn and weary. I have a decision to make.
Be.
Still.
Know.
Honestly, how much I know depends on the day. There are a thousand variables, reliant on the actions and choices of several other people, both in and outside of my home and family.
What I KNOW is that this is complicated.
There are days that my inner Martha spits the words back. Be STILL? When? How? Have you not seen? Even my to-do list has it’s OWN to-do lists. Have you not heard? There are people hollering for Mama in rapid succession from 5 different directions. How then, do I fit in being still?
Yet there are the opposite times.
Times that a Mary spirit wells up within me and empowers a will to “still” myself. In those times I kick off my shoes to ground myself on the earth He’s given and I throw agenda to the side. Watching children fly away with their imaginations and meld into the wonder of the life around me becomes my day’s work. We breathe in fresh air and run in fields.
We know how to BE.
Be.
Still.
Know.
I can never decide if this verse is a deep call to intimacy with my Maker in the abandon of earthly needs or a chastising of my flesh for being so easily consumed by what I have to do. Ultimately, he has blessed me with a LOT to do. We moms shoulder a huge amount of doing!
If asked, I could never decide which role inside me this verse is for, my Martha or Mary. I have finally decided it comes down to a wavering, depending on the day I’m having. I need it every day, ebbs and flows of “still” and “know.”
Those words have run through my head all day. Be. Still. Know. I think I know them, but maybe I don’t.
We, the lovers of Christ, have a habit of remembering verses in small tidbits. We like small bites because then we can say that we ate today.
I’m learning to take the time to look up these tidbits for more, and enjoy the pages of my Bible in a fuller context.
This one? It has serious context for us, way beyond a simple phrase of “Be still and know.” thrown out like a Shakespear quote.
This small confounding phrase is nestled smack in the middle of Psalm 46, and the rest of it is FULL of context that we all need.
Just look for yourself (below)! That little verse that has vexed me is so much better when I stand back and see it as part of this full work God inspired.
He is ever-present.
God is within her, she will not fall.
He makes wars cease.
He writes of refuge and fortresses.
I think of hiding in the laundry room, folding, but also of blanket forts and reading nooks.
The word mountain always conjures up laundry to me.
The streams and rivers call to mind His great wisdom in creating the miracle of coffee, and His provision of the constant flow of sustenance, here in my kitchen.
And also, chocolate.
He lifts his voice?
Did someone turn on The Fish radio station again?
The last two years I’ve been mostly gone from the internet publicly. My family needed safety and seclusion (for details on that, read THIS PREFACE and sign up for the list. While I can joke about the mom thoughts and snark this chapter of the Word brings up, my heart hears the promises it holds; The promise of protection and God’s faithfulness. We have been cocooned in tightly as a family. Now it’s time to spread wings again.
After all this time, disliking the struggle in this small verse, I’ve found a deep knowing. This is for all the days. Every one of them whether I feel the depth of stillness welling within my soul, or I’m grappling with stilling my struggle with self.
It’s there, every day.
He has us.
He is with us, we will not fall.
The least I can do is listen.
I can BE, because He is.
I can STILL, because He is peace.
I can KNOW, because He is truth.
It’s more than the verse.
He gives us whole chapters, my friends.
I encourage you to read it and find peace.
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Psalm 46
1 God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
3 though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.[c]
4 There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy place where the Most High dwells.
5 God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at break of day.
6 Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
he lifts his voice, the earth melts.
7 The Lord Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.
8 Come and see what the Lord has done,
the desolations he has brought on the earth.
9 He makes wars cease
to the ends of the earth.
He breaks the bow and shatters the spear;
he burns the shields[d] with fire.
10 He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth.”
11 The Lord Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.
