I am so thankful that my last post, Raise Your Hand if Your Hands are Full has spoken to so many of you. Thank you so much for reading my post and taking a minute to comment or share. To be honest, I felt like I was ranting and raving a bit over something that really shouldn’t be such a big deal. It shouldn’t work me up so much, right? There are times that it doesn’t, to be sure. When it is said with a smile, or a tone that does not imply shock, or horror, or give the feeling that the person would rather have any life but yours…. The nice ones are not the norm.
I was asked by a couple of people today why this statement is so offensive to moms, when it seems so well meaning. Over dinner with my family, fighting over who got the most delicious looking nachos, I took a step back to think through my reactions and process what the statement of “You have your hands full” implies and why it feels like a very big deal. So the truth is that it many times is not offensive. But we all know that some-kind-percentage-that-is-alot of speech is body language and tone. THAT is what this is about.
1. A child who is often badly behaved is called “a handful”. I have 4 children. The statement of “You have your hands full.” has a pretty close correlation and it’s easy to conclude that they two go together. If I have my hands full, it sounds like my children must be a handful. They are not. They are friggin’ AWESOME!
2. I get the hands full comment at least once a week. This was the 4th time in 2 weeks. I’m sure moms of more children get it even more often. It just gets old… Like a good friend of mine who’s last name is Scheidt (pronounced Shite). Do you really think he needs to hear someone comment on it? AGAIN?!?!?
3. I have never had someone say it with a look or tone that implies they admire my position. I DO get comments that are wonderful and encouraging. When people complement my children or myself, it has never been with such a knee jerk statement. They typically use their own words or something about how they miss theirs, wish they had had more, etc.
4. In other instances in life where we see someone with their “hands full”, we assume that they need help. Maybe they are about to drop something. A picture of a lone woman with arms full of groceries in the rain comes to mind. They must be overloaded. And that the “full hands” certainly can’t hold anything else, so what else is there to me? I am not overloaded. In fact I am sure we will have at least 2 more children.
5. It is always an unsolicited comment. Typically by someone who is watching you with so many kids, and then accidentally makes eye contact and can’t think of anything to say. They’re uncomfortable. They realize that they were gawking and assume that you really give a hoot about it. It’s like the southern habit of saying “Well, bless your heart.”. Which is really the same as calling someone a fool in need of pity. Well, To quote my childhood crush, Mr. T, I pity the fool who doesn’t understand how rocking fun my life is.
6. For a busy mother who loves her life with her kids (even if she looks haggard) it gives us the same feeling that it gives a single woman when she is patronized for being alone. “You’re such a LOVELY girl. I just can’t believe some nice man has not snatched you up yet.” That single girl may love the way her life is, or she may want a man in it. Whichever way she feels, the comment just kinda sucks. It’s not doing anything for her, and just makes the person speaking feel good about saying something.
7. Ultimately, it often unintentionally implies that this is all work. Mothering more than 2 is just so, so much that it is astonishing. The person making the statement is looking at me and what I must have to do and how much it is to deal with. The statement never accounts for the 4 little people standing before them, or acknowledges them as the amazing individuals that they each are. It is a comment that focuses on what appears to be overwhelming, without mention of the overwhelming wonder that each and every child is.
It never would have bothered me before I had kids, so I can understand why it doesn’t make sense to some. And maybe we as moms of more than 2 kids are too sensitive. Every now and then someone says it with such a smile that I know they mean well. It’s rare, and those cases don’t bother me a bit. But that is not the norm, I assure you. I don’t know many moms who take the hands full statement as a compliment. I feel like that is saying something about what it implies to us?
Talitha Seibel – Marginal Moms
Busting the myth that Moms have to do-it-all.
I received this comment for the first time from a lady with a smile. It was at Ikea and she sounded like she was just off the boat from Sweden. I had one kid in the carrier on my back, two in the stroller, and one pushing a shopping cart. The lady smiled super large, stopped us and said “Oh you’ve got your hands full there! And look, you are so organized and your children are all so beautiful!” She was full of compliments and very sweet and made up for all of the judgmental, condescending, and snide remarks I have received from other strangers.
I’m usually bothered by it too. It’s a rare thing that someone comments on the size of my family in a positive note. I cherish positive and original compliments other than the same old same old.
I received this comment for the first time from a lady with a smile. It was at Ikea and she sounded like she was just off the boat from Sweden. I had one kid in the carrier on my back, two in the stroller, and one pushing a shopping cart. The lady smiled super large, stopped us and said “Oh you’ve got your hands full there! And look, you are so organized and your children are all so beautiful!” She was full of compliments and very sweet and made up for all of the judgmental, condescending, and snide remarks I have received from other strangers.
I’m usually bothered by it too. It’s a rare thing that someone comments on the size of my family in a positive note. I cherish positive and original compliments other than the same old same old.
I just hate the implication that having my hands full means that my life is not as enjoyable as someone without such full hands…
I just hate the implication that having my hands full means that my life is not as enjoyable as someone without such full hands…
Thank you for both posts. I always get this comment. Usually they look at me with pity. I am not a confrontational person and usually just smile and turn away. Then there are those especially on the Internet saying things like ‘I don’t feel sorry for ppl with a lot of kids, they chose to do it, it’s their fault!’
I don’t remember ever in my life wanting anyone to feel sorry for me! Of course I chose this and it’s tough at times but I love my big family!! I don’t need anyone’s pity and if I look like I am struggling, would much rather they asked how they could help instead of pitying me!! Love all of my babies!!
Thank you for both posts. I always get this comment. Usually they look at me with pity. I am not a confrontational person and usually just smile and turn away. Then there are those especially on the Internet saying things like ‘I don’t feel sorry for ppl with a lot of kids, they chose to do it, it’s their fault!’
I don’t remember ever in my life wanting anyone to feel sorry for me! Of course I chose this and it’s tough at times but I love my big family!! I don’t need anyone’s pity and if I look like I am struggling, would much rather they asked how they could help instead of pitying me!! Love all of my babies!!
I remember after I first had J and was trying to figure out how one with a newborn gets errands done:) (First baby). I had not discovered “baby wearing” yet and was at the post office. I was juggling my infant and a package and my wallet and ended up dropping the package. This older lady walked by me as I was struggling and said “be careful you don’t drop your baby.” I wanted to throat punch her. I couldn’t believe she said that while walking by and not even stopping to “help”. I’m always amazed at what people will say to complete strangers but I’m not really sure why! I loved your rant and only wish I could think of such articulate responses when caught off guard:)
I remember after I first had J and was trying to figure out how one with a newborn gets errands done:) (First baby). I had not discovered “baby wearing” yet and was at the post office. I was juggling my infant and a package and my wallet and ended up dropping the package. This older lady walked by me as I was struggling and said “be careful you don’t drop your baby.” I wanted to throat punch her. I couldn’t believe she said that while walking by and not even stopping to “help”. I’m always amazed at what people will say to complete strangers but I’m not really sure why! I loved your rant and only wish I could think of such articulate responses when caught off guard:)
With 9 children, all adopted, people in my community know our story but STILL make this comment. It’s irritating and yes, insulting. Thank you for these 2 articles!
With 9 children, all adopted, people in my community know our story but STILL make this comment. It’s irritating and yes, insulting. Thank you for these 2 articles!
Not by my own choice, I only have two (ages 7yr and 5mo), but I babysit a 4 yr old and an 20 month old and often get this comment when I’m out and about with all 4. I just look longingly at the two that aren’t mine and cheerily reply “yep!”
Not by my own choice, I only have two (ages 7yr and 5mo), but I babysit a 4 yr old and an 20 month old and often get this comment when I’m out and about with all 4. I just look longingly at the two that aren’t mine and cheerily reply “yep!”
With 6 kids (the oldest not yet 10 when the last baby came along), we got this comment a lot, and only once did it seem to be sweetly meant… and that by an older lady who told me she’d had 10 and misses it every day of her life now!
The worst comment came from a beautifully coiffed and attired pharmacist at the local CVS. She looked at the kids and asked if they were all mine. I decided against my usual snarky comment of “Oh, no! I rent them because shopping with 6 little children is the highlight of my day!” and I simply said, “Yes, I’m thankful to say, they are all mine.” She looked horrified. She sputtered out, “Why in the h*ll would you do that???” I looked her in the eye, planted a kiss on the sleeping infant in the sling, and said, “They are all gifts from God, and I love each and every one more than you can obviously ever imagine. You can no more imagine how welcome and wonderful they are, than I can fathom how you could make so rude a comment.” She stalked away….
And when I was pregnant with my 6th, I got the most incredible question. Understand I’d had boy, girl, boy, boy, boy… and now expecting again, this ridiculous lady asked me, “What will you do if it’s a boy???!!!???” I glanced up at her and very innocently said, “Oh well, in that case, we’ll send him back.” She blinked. She blinked again. Then she started to stutter out, “well, I mean, no, but, I mean, well, um….” And I put her out of her misery and said, “Well, a ridiculous question deserves and equally ridiculous answer. What in the world do you THINK we are going to do if it’s a boy??? We’ll love him just as passionately and thoroughly as the other boys and the one sweet girl, and thank the good Lord above for another gift of life! That’s what we’ll do!” Then I walked away, smiling… it makes a great story to tell…
With 6 kids (the oldest not yet 10 when the last baby came along), we got this comment a lot, and only once did it seem to be sweetly meant… and that by an older lady who told me she’d had 10 and misses it every day of her life now!
The worst comment came from a beautifully coiffed and attired pharmacist at the local CVS. She looked at the kids and asked if they were all mine. I decided against my usual snarky comment of “Oh, no! I rent them because shopping with 6 little children is the highlight of my day!” and I simply said, “Yes, I’m thankful to say, they are all mine.” She looked horrified. She sputtered out, “Why in the h*ll would you do that???” I looked her in the eye, planted a kiss on the sleeping infant in the sling, and said, “They are all gifts from God, and I love each and every one more than you can obviously ever imagine. You can no more imagine how welcome and wonderful they are, than I can fathom how you could make so rude a comment.” She stalked away….
And when I was pregnant with my 6th, I got the most incredible question. Understand I’d had boy, girl, boy, boy, boy… and now expecting again, this ridiculous lady asked me, “What will you do if it’s a boy???!!!???” I glanced up at her and very innocently said, “Oh well, in that case, we’ll send him back.” She blinked. She blinked again. Then she started to stutter out, “well, I mean, no, but, I mean, well, um….” And I put her out of her misery and said, “Well, a ridiculous question deserves and equally ridiculous answer. What in the world do you THINK we are going to do if it’s a boy??? We’ll love him just as passionately and thoroughly as the other boys and the one sweet girl, and thank the good Lord above for another gift of life! That’s what we’ll do!” Then I walked away, smiling… it makes a great story to tell…
Just remember, there ARE still people out there who just might say, ‘You sure have your hands full’, in an admiring context. If I ever said that to someone, it would mean, ‘full of blessings’ and there would be an undertone of regret that I didn’t have the good sense, when I was of child-bearing age, to understand the wonders of a full quiver. I know I’m in the minority, but maybe, just maybe, I’ll say that to you one day and be painfully wounded by your response. Just something to think about. BTW, I’m a ‘graduated’ home school mom, still stay-at-home homemaker. Never had a career, don’t particularly like cats, don’t carouse, don’t have much money… Except for having been too self-centered and foolish to have filled our home with more children when I could, I’m just like you. <3
Looking back at my comment, I realize that you can't hear my tone or read my intent… be assured, I wrote this without anger or hurt or any other negative emotion. Just presenting a different viewpoint in case we meet one day. And I hope we do 🙂
Just remember, there ARE still people out there who just might say, ‘You sure have your hands full’, in an admiring context. If I ever said that to someone, it would mean, ‘full of blessings’ and there would be an undertone of regret that I didn’t have the good sense, when I was of child-bearing age, to understand the wonders of a full quiver. I know I’m in the minority, but maybe, just maybe, I’ll say that to you one day and be painfully wounded by your response. Just something to think about. BTW, I’m a ‘graduated’ home school mom, still stay-at-home homemaker. Never had a career, don’t particularly like cats, don’t carouse, don’t have much money… Except for having been too self-centered and foolish to have filled our home with more children when I could, I’m just like you. <3
Looking back at my comment, I realize that you can't hear my tone or read my intent… be assured, I wrote this without anger or hurt or any other negative emotion. Just presenting a different viewpoint in case we meet one day. And I hope we do 🙂
Well written! I enjoyed both articles. I am a Mama of 8 ages 12g, 11b, 9g, 7b, 6b, 4b, 2b, and 10mo.b. I have heard them all, most of the time it’s easy to be polite and move on….I am kind of busy, hello!!! We’re in public with 18 pairs of shoes accounted for!!! I’ll be following you….
Well written! I enjoyed both articles. I am a Mama of 8 ages 12g, 11b, 9g, 7b, 6b, 4b, 2b, and 10mo.b. I have heard them all, most of the time it’s easy to be polite and move on….I am kind of busy, hello!!! We’re in public with 18 pairs of shoes accounted for!!! I’ll be following you….
And now I apologize… I obviously skimmed your post and missed the last paragraph. Thank you for realizing that! 8-]
And now I apologize… I obviously skimmed your post and missed the last paragraph. Thank you for realizing that! 8-]
Not a problem. I’m thankful that your question gave me a minute to clarify why I ragged on the poor cats, and the lady in the Walmart.
Thanks for reading, and I hope you come back!
Not a problem. I’m thankful that your question gave me a minute to clarify why I ragged on the poor cats, and the lady in the Walmart.
Thanks for reading, and I hope you come back!
Absolutely read no bad intent into it. Thanks for putting your thoughts here for us!
Absolutely read no bad intent into it. Thanks for putting your thoughts here for us!
Ah!!! Shoes are a big deal! You, friend, are one of my new heroes!!! Good job!!
Ah!!! Shoes are a big deal! You, friend, are one of my new heroes!!! Good job!!
This is one of my Pet Peeves! I get this at least 3 times a week, Sometimes more! I have 5 beautiful blessings boy 17, girl 8, boy 7, girl 5, & boy 1. Not only are they good looking children, they are well behaved. We can be in Target, Macy’s, toys are us, where ever ” OMG, are these all your kids? ” they are my children kids are goat, joeys, etc WHY? ( nasty tone mind you) but they have to finish what they started, they are beautiful, thanks! U ” you have your hands full!)
This is one of my Pet Peeves! I get this at least 3 times a week, Sometimes more! I have 5 beautiful blessings boy 17, girl 8, boy 7, girl 5, & boy 1. Not only are they good looking children, they are well behaved. We can be in Target, Macy’s, toys are us, where ever ” OMG, are these all your kids? ” they are my children kids are goat, joeys, etc WHY? ( nasty tone mind you) but they have to finish what they started, they are beautiful, thanks! U ” you have your hands full!)
Wendy I don’t know you but OMG I Simply L O V E you!
Wendy I don’t know you but OMG I Simply L O V E you!
I love all both of these articles!! I get this at least twice every time I go to the store (5 kiddos here). My favorite response is just a quick and easy “I like them full, better busy than bored!” Or sometimes I’ll look at my older kiddos and say, “My hands are full? Aren’t you guys supposed to be carrying things?” (or something along those lines, joking.)
My favorite comment on having my hands full is the last time I went to Costco for our giant, monthly stock up trip. For some reason, I decided to go during the day (ok, the cupboards were getting pretty bare and I had put it off for a week), when my husband was at work and my 3 older kids were at school. So it was just me, the 4 year old, the 3 month old, and 2 overflowing Costco carts. A young man (maybe 20, maybe) who worked there asked if I needed help getting the carts out to the car. I said no, we were fine, I’d hauled them all over for shopping, but I did miss my big kids today. And he said “Wow, you’ve really got your hands full. You’re like some sort of wonder-mom. I hope I can marry someone like you” I wished I had asked him to help me bring my carts out to the car just so I would have an excuse to tip him!!! And he made a rather terrible, exhausting Costco trip not seem so bad. 🙂
I love all both of these articles!! I get this at least twice every time I go to the store (5 kiddos here). My favorite response is just a quick and easy “I like them full, better busy than bored!” Or sometimes I’ll look at my older kiddos and say, “My hands are full? Aren’t you guys supposed to be carrying things?” (or something along those lines, joking.)
My favorite comment on having my hands full is the last time I went to Costco for our giant, monthly stock up trip. For some reason, I decided to go during the day (ok, the cupboards were getting pretty bare and I had put it off for a week), when my husband was at work and my 3 older kids were at school. So it was just me, the 4 year old, the 3 month old, and 2 overflowing Costco carts. A young man (maybe 20, maybe) who worked there asked if I needed help getting the carts out to the car. I said no, we were fine, I’d hauled them all over for shopping, but I did miss my big kids today. And he said “Wow, you’ve really got your hands full. You’re like some sort of wonder-mom. I hope I can marry someone like you” I wished I had asked him to help me bring my carts out to the car just so I would have an excuse to tip him!!! And he made a rather terrible, exhausting Costco trip not seem so bad. 🙂