fos·ter [faw-ster, fos-ter] 
verb  1. to promote the growth or development of; further; encourage: to foster new ideas.
2. to bring up, raise, or rear, as a foster child.  3. to care for or cherish.

The last few months have not been what I expected. As our timeline toward welcoming more children into our home advances, I expected that I would be sharing a lot more.  We have remained very guarded.
I struggle daily, resisting the urge to shout it from the rooftops and tell everyone. It is like being pregnant and not able to tell anyone. Thankfully, I’ve seen wisdom in the discretion used by others.  It is best to be wise and cautious and I think you will see why as you read on. Also, I am blessed with a husband who is fierce in his desire to protect his family including our new little ones.  He’s holding me back. He is so wise. He keeps me grounded.

We have known several families over the past several years of waiting and preparing who have served through the foster system. They helped us understand the depth of need these children have, needs that may  ultimately go beyond our own needs and preferences to provide for them. We will need to dig deeper within ourselves, and that it’s worth every bit of it. Their wisdom and strength has impacted us and the way that we are proceeding.  From a family with 7 children who are adopted through the foster system, I have learned that there are ups and downs and you must be fierce in your love and protection of these children, because no one else will. No one ever has for them.  From another homeschool family who has 4 young children of their own I’ve learned about the balance of having your home open to DFCS which is not something that a homeschooling family typically wants. She has given me great advice on how to navigate the system when you tend to be crunchy.  They may not be used to our type after all.
You  see, welcoming children through the foster system is not easy.  It’s not something I can tout on facebook and gleefully shout from the rooftops. So if I have been vague, it is for very good reason. This is heavy.  It is not about us. We are preparing for so much unknown.  We are preparing to GIVE, not receive. When our last child was born we planned that we would do this when she was five.  We have spent the last several years working on an addition to our home with the space for two or three more.  Lil Bit turns five soon. The time is coming.
This is not about getting more children.  It’s about knowing that we are absolutely CONTENT as a family.  Our family is amazing and we are fully content. In that we have space to look and recognize that we are not COMPLETE. We have room and love enough for more.
 
Here are a few things that you may have never thought of in becoming a foster family, with the hope to adopt:

Fostering is not the same as happy stories you hear of direct adoption. We are preparing to home children who are not our own. We don’t just get to have them. We don’t just get to adopt right off the bat. Our rights are the last to be considered in this process. We are the workers. Our family is preparing to serve, not just adopt. We will sacrifice in many ways in order to invest in the future of others. This is how we want to do this. This is what is right for us.
 
When they come it will be sudden.  We won’t have big announcements, baby showers or celebrations. No big “Yay, look! We are adopting!”   We aren’t putting together bios, family photos and descriptions for a mother who is looking for a family to give her child to. That’s not the way this works. It’s an entirely different process.  As a foster family we are opening our home to children who need us, but it isn’t the same as a straight adoption.   The mother is likely to be angry, not thankful that we are loving and caring for her children.
We don’t always get to choose what’s safe for our foster children; decisions on healthcare, education, childcare, etc. The children are not legally ours. They are in the care of the state who we are serving through.  We can not leave them in the care of any adult (certainly not a teenager or standard babysitter) who is not approved by the state. That includes our own family members and friends unless they are willing to go through the process with us. That process means training, a background check and being fingerprinted. Not a small task.  Thankfully, we are fully prepared for this and the agency has great support for us when needed.
It’s their privacy, not ours.  We will not be posting names or faces on Facebook or on the blog.  We have no right to, legally or otherwise.  While we are welcoming them into our family they are not our children yet.  It’s amazing how much that affects.  While other parents adopting are often able to tell about their baby or child in anticipation during the process, we must hold back. We do not have parental rights while their parents do.  We are responsible for guarding that privacy for them and we are committed to doing it adequately. These children deserve that protection and respect.  They will be mentioned only carefully. Rest assured that in real time, in our home, they will be loved.
We may fall in love with these children the moment we see them, but it will be months or even a few years before we know if they are our own.  We are working with a private agency that has a great record but are expecting to have up to 3 placements before children who stay permanently.  We may have many children in and out of these doors before the stars align for permanency. We know that and have spent time cautiously preparing for the very real likelihood of loss that will come when children are taken from us and placed back with their families. Time in our home will be a blessing to them (and us) regardless, but this requires that we prepare ourselves and our children for losing those that may become dear to us.
We are preparing for the questions. “Are they all yours?” Well, sure it would seem just and strong to say “Yes, they are.”  Clearly, it would feel good. Yet how does that affect little ears and little hearts? Little ones who have already been separated from one mommy and family. If we claim them, will they face more pain in the future if we can not make them part of our family forever? Their hearts come first. Their needs, not our desire to claim them as ours.
In anticipation, we began the school year with less outside activities this  year.  With adding these children to our home, we expect to be adding weekly therapies for them, medical appointments and visitations with their parents.  We have kept our schedule loose and open to be able to meet their needs. These children need time and care, not a hectic lifestyle. They need a routine and flow to the home that they can trust. They deserve to feel safe.
I myself stopped accepting births as a doula outside of close friends and family, in preparation. Starting in January I will be a real stay-at-home mom.  I’ve even happily called it maternity leave that may be very, very extended.   Not working is very necessary to provide for what all of the children need. I can not have an on-call position or be a working mom.  For these children to get to the point where they are in the system (DFCS) that brings them to our home, they most certainly have been hurt and traumatized. They need and deserve so much care, so much more than we even know now.  I am very thankful that with the house finished I will be able to stay home to keep the balance for our children.
I know that our four will need more of me, too, in that balance as we adjust to opening hearts and sharing everything with these others who will come to us.  They are so excited about the new children This is very real to them and they ask about the new children constantly.  We’ve talked so much about what it may look like and how much it will change things, but their hearts are immense and open for loving new brothers and sisters. They know that even if new ones aren’t part of our family permanently, they can love them completely.
This process is not a cake walk. It’s not something you jump into without thinking these things through. Actually, this is the tip of the iceberg.  I could write volumes already and we aren’t even actively fostering yet!! People say things like “Oh that sounds fun, I want to do that!”  “That’s going to be so much cheaper.”  “At least then you can try it out and give them back if it doesn’t work.”  “Why would you want to do that”  People have no idea what foster care, with or without the hope of adoption looks like. No. Idea.
What I want to share with you is the heart of the matter. The depth that it takes and the beauty in it. Not the end result of adoption but the very real process of surrender that occurs for these children to come to us.  This is not easy. It is beautiful. It is not perfect. It is unpredictable and our hearts will break. Our hearts will make space and grow.
We are ready for more.
Please feel free to ask us about it in person, or send me questions privately.  We want to share!!  We are as excited as can be!! We just want to be discrete and appropriate. Personal conversations are best.
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